I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
