after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
