Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
