I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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