One girl and one boy is just not enough.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss