god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
