Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
