I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
