last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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