I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
