There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
