I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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