Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
