I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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