i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
