The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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