about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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