Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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