At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
