Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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