I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
