clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
