90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
