Your tits are I can't wait for
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
