Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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