she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
