Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
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I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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