I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
