I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
