Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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