I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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