how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
And then my night got REAL pukey
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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