I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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