saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
