i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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