you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
