I have demons in me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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