How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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