all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
