Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you told grandpa to call you daddy
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
