Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
MIDGETS
????
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
