Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
