Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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