Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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