if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
