i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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