dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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