Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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