At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
