I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
