It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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