When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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