I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
