My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Come share oat with me in your robe
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
