the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
