I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
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she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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