What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
