my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
