Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
