Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!