how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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