My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off