This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
