I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
